Is there an app for that?

I have struggled the past few days with a depression that is so bad, I could do nothing but stay in bed and stare at the walls. I am trying, so hard, to move beyond it today. So first, pretty pictures.

I went thrifting on Saturday, after my chiro appt. and found some goodies destined for knitwear to be sold at the craft show. You have to hunt, but sometimes, you strike gold.

The pink and lavender is my favorite - it's quite large, and will go on a large-scale piece.

The pink and lavender is my favorite - it's quite large, and will go on a large-scale piece.


During the same trip, I actually did something bad. I bought stuff for myself. At a currently in foreclosure mall, I scored a lovely organic cotton skirt for 10 bucks. Justification, thy name is Tanya. But I need to make a little shrug to match. So Michaels and cheap-ass Paton’s Country, here I came.
It's not a perfect match, but will do in a pinch. Oh, and I made my husband buy it for 12 bucks after a night of tequila.

It's not a perfect match, but will do in a pinch. Oh, and I made my husband buy it for 12 bucks after a night of tequila.

Long have I been looking for the perfect navy and white striped nautical shirt, that French je ne sais quois thing – you know what I mean. Because I like the look (so adaptable!) and because I need something to model with a design I worked up and want to put in the shop. At last!

The cowl is done in an alternating swallow stitch, and the doodad holding it together can double as a wrist cuff - it's got tiny buttons on the underside. The pin, of course, is vintage!

The cowl is done in an alternating swallow stitch, and the doodad holding it together can double as a wrist cuff - it's got tiny buttons on the underside. The pin, of course, is vintage!

Finally to end the pictura-rama, I have been so depressed I haven’t wanted to knit a stitch, even though – um, I actaully HAVE to. So I crocheted a belt whilst watching “Hos of Love” or whatever they’re calling it now on VH1.

I know, it's about as thrilling as a bad weave and ruptured implants. Snap!

I know, it's about as thrilling as a bad weave and ruptured implants. Snap!

See, I still have my sense of humor. And that ends the pretty pictures portion of my post.

I wish I could tell you this was easy. I wish I could say I am happy. I am not. There have been difficult times in my life before, but being without a job, without a sense of purpose for so long is killing me. But more than that, the loneliness is crushing. I am the kind of person who loves and cherishes my “alone time,” but COME ON.

I live in a tiny apartment. My husband leaves for work early in the day and comes home late. I have no car but on the days I borrow his. And really, there is no place to go in this godforsaken area, where everything is spread out. It is hotter than Ecuador. I can’t get a place to even call me for a phone interview, and that’s after I sift through the dozens of bogus job postings.

If I lived in a different area, a big city where I could get around by public transport, or a college town where I could pedal about on a bike, it might be different. But it isn’t. So I’m stuck here, with my own thoughts eating away at what’s left of my brain. When I say I am over what happened to me, I believe I well and truly am. I’m not over the fact that people I thought were my friends don’t return my calls, but hey, that’s life, and I guess I’m movin’ on.

If you read this blog and leave comments, thank you. I heart you. To my test knitter who has had to deal with all my dramaz, Margaret, thank you. I bet you didn’t think you’d get a depressed unemployed Floridian to knit for, huh? But you are the bomb.

To anyone who comes here on a daily basis and passes by, leave me a comment. Let me know you’re out there. It will make me feel a little less alone, and I’ll thank you from the bottom of my heart. I mean it.

I thought I could do this – live a life where I crafted and was creative. But financially, it’s impossible. I see that now. But today, I think I am a little better. Ice cream and cupcakes have helped, and so I will work hard today, putter around and keep myself active.

Because really, I just don’t know what else to do. I wish there was an app for what I was going through.

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4 comments

  1. Gina · July 15, 2009

    Sweetie, I’m sending you (another) big hug. You make me smile when I stop by the blog — even when you are down.

  2. Toni · July 15, 2009

    Sending you good thoughts and I would send you a hug but we have never met so that would be weird. But if had ever met I would totally send you one. And anybody who tells you that staying home is easy can just go suck it.

  3. julie · August 9, 2009

    Sending you lots of love and hearts. Things will change.. remember all things happen for a reason. Your work is diviine! My life changed dramatically a little over a year and a half ago and i went from a company VP at a big salary to incorporating my doll/art/creativity business and taking it full time out of my home. It was quite the change but has been the blessing of my life! Remember..life works out better when you determine if you are the pin or the cushion. (always be the pin!)

    • tanyadiva · August 9, 2009

      Thank you for your kind words: The pin/cushion analogy line will be my new motto!

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