Teardrop

I haven’t posted in a month. AGAIN. And here’s why: I am at a really bad place in my life now, and I don’t know when that will change.

I am not quitting my blog, but I am going to take a break. I may pop in from time to time, but I think I am going to “unplug” from life for a while. Last night, I almost quit Facebook. Now, it’s not like I post there everyday or anything, in fact, I rarely do. But I dislike Facebook intensely. I dislike what it stands for, and I feel it’s become an online popularity contest. Although I’m still out there doing my pre-Oscar viewing, I have no intention of every seeing The Social Network. I simply don’t give a shit.

Today, I will probably quit Facebook. And I think I will feel better when I do.

Today, I am going to the movies in a few hours to see Sofia Coppola’s Somewhere. Gina, if you’re out there I know you don’t like Ms. Sofia, but today’s the last day it’s showing, so a gurl’s got to do what a gurl’s got to do.

Also, in pre-Oscar viewing, if you haven’t rent Winter’s Bone yet, or seen it on the big screen, you should. The last time I think I was truly happy was on Oscar nomination morning when John Hawkes got nominated for Best Supporting Actor for playing Uncle Teardrop. I knew he would, against all odds! He’ll never win, but I love this guy so much. Come on all my fellow Deadwood fans (Bonnie, I’m talking to you!) you know you want this for him!

I confess, I found him dead sexy in this movie, against my better judgement. There’s just something about a crack-addled hillbilly with a gun and facial tattoos that does it for me. Yes, I’m seeking help.

Well, folks, the title of this post is double-edged. It refers to the above-mentioned movie and character, but also my crying jags. I have never been so unhappy in my life. I am desperately trying to find new employment, and just when an interview goes well, then I hear they’ve gone another way. I fear that my career is over at 43, and I will spend the rest of my life in this godforsaken town, working at this shitty bookstore company until they fold or lay me off, standing around like a cigar store Indian or waiting on bitter and mean customers. Standing on my feet for eight hours a day, and never having two days off in a week again. And I barely bring home $300 a week.

Now you know my shame. For I am. Deeply ashamed, of my life, of what I do, of how low I’ve sunk, of where I work. When people I knew if college and god forbid, high school come into the store and see me and recognize me, it’s all I can do to not crawl into a hole and die from the shame.

So yes, I’m taking some time off to unplug, reassess and figure out how I can make it through. I have truly never felt so low in my life.

Thanks for listening, all five of you. It has been appreciated.

Tanya

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5 comments

  1. Susan · February 3, 2011

    I understand about unplugging but don’t forget us. And hang in there! Email me anytime, for any reason. You have nothing to be ashamed about!

  2. Toni R. · February 4, 2011

    Sending you a hug. Susan is right, you have nothing to be ashamed about.

  3. Gina · February 10, 2011

    Listen, Ms. Coppola is not my favorite, but I understand that you had to do what you had to do. I don’t hold it against you. Who knows… maybe I should give this movie a shot…

    I fully understand your need to unplug and hide. Just know that my phone line is open for you. Don’t be a stranger.

  4. Amy Snider · February 23, 2011

    well, on a lighter note- i have to agree with you on teardrop- i thought he was pretty sexy myself, and then was sort of floored when i realized he was the same guy from me, you, and everyone we know. he’s amazing.

    and now… i understand how you’re feeling and i’m sending you a big hug! hang in there, it has to get better! XO

  5. Barbie · February 27, 2011

    I’m a big fan of John Hawkes too. He was in American Gangster as well as Deadwood.

    You’re not alone. I have a barebones Facebook acct, but refuse to post anything of substance. I only have it so I can access other people’s pages. What I hate most is how hard it is to keep crap off your own page! The privacy controls are unfathomable.

    I’ve had complete strangers want to “friend” me, and can only guess at their motivation, but assume the worst. Even a few people from my past have found me and want access. Dammit, if I wanted to be in contact with them, I would be. I hate to deny old acquaintances my ‘friendship”, but I don’t want them knowing my private business.

    Twitter, on the other hand appeals to me because it’s so limited. I can tweet whatever is of interest, without having to make a big deal out of it and soon enough, it slides down the page never to haunt me again.

    Tanya… I can’t do anything to make you feel better about your life, or your job… but damn girl, just know this stranger wishes you well.

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