Blue Christmas

I wrote a super long post on Friday when I was at a pretty dark hour (and during work, to boot!) but the thought of publishing it seems a little overdramatic.

It’s saved, but I don’t think it should see the light of day.

Suffice it to say, it’s been a difficult week. I took a part-time job at a camp as the office manager. It could be a good job, even a great one, while I take time to get my life back together and figure out what I am going to do with the rest of it (!). But I don’t think that’s going to be the case, because the director has not been 100% honest with me about what’s going on there, and what the working conditions are like. I think that’s about the deepest I want to go right now.

So, after three weeks of training with the former OM, who was quite lovely and honest but who is now incommunicado, I was thrown into the fire this week. I almost walked out the door several times, never to look back. In fact, that’s what she encouraged me to do before she left. I should have listened, but I felt guilty and didn’t want to be that kind of person.

For all that I sometimes think I am selfish, the truth is that I’m NOT, and it’s my empathy, and to a greater extent, guilt, that has gotten me into some sticky situations.

What will happen next week? I don’t know. I could still walk at any minute. That’s all I can say. Oh, and I’m applying for other jobs. But I think that’s obvious.

In the spirit of not dwelling on this ugliness, I will move on and say I can’t wait for this year to end. My father-in-law has a theory that odd numbered years are the sucky ones, but in my experience that doesn’t quite bear out. Things suck because of circumstances, and I’m in a bad one now. I don’t suffer from clinical depression, but I do get situational depression, and when I’m in a pickle or bind and things seem hopeless, it’s really not a good time to be around me.

I had hoped my knits would sell on Etsy this X-mas, since I had done so well last year. Sadly, with the lone exception of selling a men’s hat, I have not. That’s despite a massive photo shoot we did with some of the most gorgeous models you can imagine. The pictures turned out great, and frankly, this is the best I can do. I can do no better. If these photos don’t sell the work, nothing will. And so, I am at a crossroads. A lot of folks said they wanted to buy stuff, but then they get busy with other things or forget or maybe they don’t like what I’m offering? I don’t know. But it happens, and believe it or not, this hasn’t depressed me. It’s just one of those things. I know most have already seen the photos, but here it is, for some visual interest in this depressing blog post 😉


Also worth noting: My husband is working almost straight through till the new year, and working every Sunday in December. He is working till 1 a.m. on Christmas Eve. And I am working on Saturdays….So, not a lot of time together, and what we have is stressful.

Finally, I’d be remiss if I didn’t tell you: I thought having a parent die on Christmas was about the worst thing I could go through (well, except for my heart attack, and my husband’s life-threatening blood disease, and – okay, I’ll stop!) but no one told me about the year after.

I have been so deeply sad that somedays I don’t think I can bear it. I miss my father so much, and I miss all the things he’d do for us on Christmas. I don’t miss the things that go along with having an alcoholic for a parent, but I had forgotten all the thoughtful things he  did. When I started knitting again in my thirties, dad got me Pam Allen’s Knitting for Dummies. It’s how I retaught myself everything about knitting. Two years ago he got me a sewing machine, and when I used it last Sunday all I could think about was him.  I miss all the Christmas music he used to play, even though it annoyed me at the time. I miss his joy in the simple things, even though I spent years not understanding.

It is going to be a blue Christmas for me, but I am trying so hard to rise above. I will not be with my family for the first time in many years. My mother has decided to spend the day with my sister and her new granddaughter, and I am not invited. My sister and I aren’t speaking. Don’t ask! Sometimes, I wonder if it would be different if I had been able to give her a grandchild. But that ship has sailed, so I guess I’ll never know. My mother is going through a rough time, too, I know. But some of the things she has used to deal with it, like her overt and sometimes frightening religiosity, scare me. Without a surfeit of details, I can say no more.

Please don’t feel sorry for me. I am trying to wrestle with some very difficult feelings and problems that I know I can get through. People always tell me I’m such a strong person. I guess I am? But I am tired of being strong, that’s for sure. They tell me I’m smart, too, but I don’t know….I don’t think a smart person would have taken this shit job! (There’s a bit of the old me, peeking through).

Last night, honey and went out for Burrito Brothers and then we went to Tuesday Morning, the bastion of my consumerist dreams. No, really. If you have been to the shitty, cramped Tuesday Mornings, please know that I have, too! But we have a huge one in a big, high-ceilinged, well-lit space, and it is my mecca. I am always on the lookout for cheap Louisa Harding yarn, but last night we both spent under $30 on each other’s X-mas gifts.

I have so little money, and our financial obligations have increased, so that is the best we can do. But it was fun, and we each picked things we liked, and even got a game to play on Christmas day. I have never been a person to get extravagant things, or even want them. Please know that. What is difficult is knowing how little money I am making compared to what I used to, and how important it is to me to rectify that, for my own well-being, security and peace of mind.

As you can see, I have some goals for the new  year! I really do. What I hope is that when and if I blog in the future, it will be with some fun tidbits on the things I am doing to save money, on the changes I am making to be more financially savvy, and back to the things I love in the world of music and movies. Not so much TV anymore. Not a whole lot I love, and since Parks and Rec got put on hiatus, I am bereft.

Hey, I can tell you my favorite movie I saw this year (so far) was Frances Ha, and that my husband has interviewed one of the SAG and Golden Globe acting nominees, and let’s be frank, probable Oscar nominees, too, and I am going to do a contest when the Academy nods come out to see if you can guess who it is! Prizes WILL be awarded. Feel free to guess now, but I’m keeping mum for a few weeks. Want to make sure it goes as I think it will.

See, I left things on a positive note. Who knew I could do THAT?



  1. lumay · December 18, 2013

    I am adding Frances Ha to my Netflix queue (if it’s even available) today. It looks absolutely charming.

    While I’ve not lost a parent, I do think that the first year is a bit of a blur. You were still in a sort of shock. Now, the reality is facing you, and you are too keenly aware of all that is missing.

    You are smart, but that doesn’t mean that you’re going to end up with a challenging and rewarding job. All to sad, but it’s a fact. I know so many bright people tied up in shit jobs.

    I am sending you tons of love and hugs. Please send some warm air (and humidity).
    Love to you!

    • tanyadiva · December 19, 2013

      I am so glad you loved the movie as much as I did! Thanks for always being there for a kvetch. I appreciate it!

  2. Toni · December 19, 2013

    I don’t have much to say but I am sending you a hug and good thoughts for a peaceful holiday. xoxox Toni

    • tanyadiva · December 19, 2013

      Toni, it’s been great having you as an “online” friend all these years. Thanks for kitty pron pictures on Facebook and your great Good Reads feed!

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