Today I went to the grocery store to get a few things to last me the next few days while honey is out of town. As I was standing and waiting in the checkout line, as one does, I looked at the National Enquirer’s “Worst Beach Bodies!” issue. And there in the top right corner was…Paul Sorvino. Yep, that’s right. Big, round Paul Sorvino.
Paul has always been big and round! He has the body of an Italian opera singer! Didn’t he even try his hand at the opera singing? I seem to remember that he did.
My point, and I do have one, is I would EXPECT Paul Sorvino to be a round mound of man at the beach. This is not shocking, National Enquirer! You are slipping if you think it is newsworthy.
“Older Italian Man at Beach is Hairy and Overweight”
There’s your headline, geniuses.
Hey, good news. Tom Petty, avec Heartbreakers, has a new album coming out tomorrow and I pre-ordered it from Amazon with my AmEx points credit, because I HAVE NO MONEY.
I love TP like I love sleeping, kitty cats and color pink. Oops, those things don’t go together. Oh well. I love TP so much I have seen him in concert more than 10 times. That’s a lot! I love TP so much I have a concert T-shirt from the “Damn the Torpedoes” tour. When I wear it in public, I get a lot of jealous looks. Yes, beyotch, I was there when I was a mere tadpole. And I kept my shirt in good condition! (Hint: don’t over wash blacks).
I love TP so much I toured the studio (Ocean Way) where he recorded a bunch of stuff, and saw the room he worked in. There were photos of it in the She’s the One soundtrack album art. Hey, that movie blew, but the soundtrack didn’t. TP’s cover of Lucinda Williams’ “Change the Locks” is the stuff dreams are made of.
I love TP so much I once made a friend on a TP forum back in the Bravenet days (did I just date myself?). She was good friends with…Stan Lynch! And she visited me and called him on my phone, because she was going to visit him on the way back from my place. I always thought that was kind of cool. So was my friend, if memory serves.
I love TP so much I once saw him in SoFla, and then a week later I flew to Reno, Nevada to see him AGAIN. Same tour! But guess what — entirely different sets! That’s a true performer. Plus, I hung out with another friend from the Bravenet forum, who took me on a tour of the Ponderosa (yes, THAT Ponderosa, I even had a Hoss burger!) and now he’s a reporter who was on CBS’ 48 Hours, which was kind of trippy to see when I came across him channel surfing one night. I always remember him buying me noodles in the casino. He also had to drive me to a Walgreens to buy tampons, because the hotel gift shop didn’t have them. Have I said too much?
I love TP so much I have a tattoo to prove it, but you knew that. The only good thing about the past few days of my life is that Sirius FM has launched a TP channel that runs until August 4. Nothing but TP, all the time! I could die and go to heaven. And I might, while I’m driving in Florida. Today a semi couldn’t make the turn at a stoplight (where I was clearly behind the line) and almost knocked my Kia off the planet. And he honked at me, because CLEARLY, I was the one in the wrong. ASS. Then, when I exited I-95, and waited at the stoplight by the overpass, someone decided they needed to get back ON I-95 and decided to, oh, just carve himself over in my lane and almost knock me out.
But hey! It’s okay, because MY FAVORITE TP SONG was on the radio! Not “American Girl,” though that’s my tattoo. No, it was obscure-ish album cut “Shadow of a Doubt (A Complex Kid).” I love a song where part of the title is in parentheses! Word nerd alert!
I love TP so much I say that God told Florida it could do ONE THING right, and so it gave us TP. That’s it! Florida has never done anything else worthy. I’m a fucking native. Trust me on this.
The album (well, CD) will arrive from my UPS man tomorrow. I did not buy it as an iTunes MP3, because I have all my TP on vinyl or CD. I don’t trust the cloud when it comes to TP! Nope. I have lost some of my music in the cloud. Let that be a lesson to you.
And the last TP album I got was Mojo, which I got for free when I worked at Barnes and Noble in 2011. When a CD was done in the rotation (and believe me, the rotation often took MONTHS, as the Adele CD proved), we could ask/sign up to get it. And since no one ever wanted the things I did, I got Mojo. And Willie Nelson. And Robert Plant. And Air. You get the picture. Nothing anyone under the age of thirty would consider. They were fighting over that Adele CD, though!
So, TP comes tomorrow, and I am happy.
I put my sample in the mail to Knitscene today. I am not putting up photos because I don’t know that it is allowed, and even though approximately 5.5 people visit this blog a week, I figured I should be a good girl.
I went through hell at the finish line. Is it my fault for procrastinating in June? Yes. But I had a tear-soaked meltdown on Friday, and had to reknit an entire bottom cable band. Which I did on Friday night and Saturday. Then, I melted down AGAIN last night in my grafting from hell session. I finally got it and did it, but I’ve seen better. Then, I found this incredible site today, and he has a left-handed grafting video! Oh had I but seen in earlier. But better late than never, right?!
The finished product LOOKS like my original sketch. But there’s a little lumpy part at the graft (under an underarm seam). Is it very noticeable? No. But to me, it is. I was going to attach a note apologizing for said imperfection, but honey reminded me that I always tell him you shouldn’t call attention to your flaws.
So I guess I am flaunting the imperfection?
I am still in fear this will get rejected. But we’ll see. I did everything I could. I still have to write up the damned thing tomorrow, and if you saw my scribbled notes, you would laugh and point at me. This is why I haven’t posted any humble brags at Facebook yet. And probably won’t, ever.
So, wish me luck. Now that this is done, I have to get a job, and fast. I plan to find out my status in regards to returning to my temp one after my birthday, which is early August. If the answer is no, I at least want to lock down a recommendation.
I have told you how tough this summer has been for me (broken toe, hospitalized mother-in-law, no money, etc.). And it has been. It’s not getting any better. I have enough money to last me into September. That’s it. I have learned to be frugal and accept that buying stuff isn’t the path to happiness. I always sort of knew that, and I’m no hoarder or shopaholic, but there were times when I could have pulled the throttle back. I get that now.
And despite the fact that I haven’t lost a pound this summer, I have come to a truce with my appearance. I am good enough. I don’t need to compare myself to others all the time — being home alone will help with that! But seriously. I spent my entire pre-teen and teen years feeling ugly and frankly, being TOLD I was ugly. Kids are awful, and in a way I’m glad I don’t have any, because if I did have a daughter and anyone insulted her I would kick the shit out of that person like a spider monkey on Mountain Dew, and you know it.
Maybe my workout level wasn’t what I wanted — hello, broken toe?! — but I have started using the My Fitness Pal app, and it’s helping me see where I can adjust portions. Because I am never going Paleo. I love bread like I love TP. Get it?!
So forgive all the selfies I’ve been posting. But I’ve been having fun taking photos with no makeup but a slash of lipstick and realizing at 47 (well, not QUITE yet) I look pretty good. That’s got to count for something this summer, right?