Random thoughts

Random thoughts:

1) I really hate it when people give you a condescending compliment, don’t you? Yesterday I was sitting with another woman who has gone gray like me, and a co-worker said, “Oh look, it’s the two natural haired ladies. You know, they say gray hair is “in” now!”

Well, hunty, it’s more “in” that that brassy dye job you’ve been sporting for 30 years, just sayin’.

2) Ringo had a bad morning today. Just earth-rattling coughs that will wake you out of a sound sleep. But then, he carries on like nothing’s wrong. When he was diagnosed with lung cancer four months ago, I thought we had weeks left, and it’s been four months. But in the back of my mind, I’ve always felt he’s just been holding on until April 18th.

The day we’ve been waiting for.

3) My mother is getting married in a month. My 75-year-old mother is marrying her 88-year-old boyfriend. Ask me how I feel about this. Okay, don’t. It’s best if you don’t. The heart wants what it wants, right?

4) I will hopefully interview for a full-time job next week. I don’t assume I’m a slam-dunk by any means. It’s been a rough week; honey and I are under so much pressure we’ve had stomach problems, he’s been working 14-hour days, and he’s leaving for Chicago this weekend while of course, I can’t go because NO VACATION TIME. And there have been tears on my end, I’m not going to lie. But I have come to the realization if I don’t do what I want, and ask for what I want, I’ll never get it. So at least I’ve had that breakthrough? Ask me again next week.

5) I watched 20 hours of on-demand this past weekend because we had an Xfinity Watchathon. So, 10 hours of Outlander and seven of The Knick (which we had started a year ago). It was so lovely to see:

a) A primitive appendectomy (which I’ve had)

b) A primitive hear cauterization by wire (which I’ve had)

c) A primitive splenectomy (which my husband’s had)

All in glorious, gory 1910 color. Also, lots of ROBOT BABIES and women getting their teeth ripped out by quacks because, you know, women!

Let’s end with this: I had not seen this performance from the 2015 World Figure Skating Championships until a former ice dancer turned me on to it. The number three Canadian team, giving you Say Anything feels. Enjoy! (someone clearly had good seats and filmed it on their phone, and yet it’s better than most of the pro videos out there!)

 

Just what I needed.

When I die, I want Ben Orr and Karen Carpenter to sing to me as I enter the pearly gates. Because they are both in music heaven and they have my favorite voices of the rock era. Am I weird for saying that? What if I don’t go to heaven? Oh, whatever. Also, if Larry Gatlin introduces you, you must be special, amirite?

Lord, please find me a NEW JOB!!!

Because I can’t stop….

Changes

Change is good, or so they say. I’m not quite sure who the mysterious “they” are, but they do talk a lot.

This week at work, we had a big reorganization/restructuring meeting. Although I’ve heard of these meetings referred to as rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic, I’m so burned by the past eight years of gigging from one job to the next that it barely registers with me.

Four high-level middle management positions are being eliminated(is that even a thing?!), but five new positions are being created. Will these four people move sideways? Who knows.

All I know is this: There is a full-time opening that I’m more than qualified for and I WANT IT. I sent my application in today, and hope to interview for it soon.

And frankly, if I don’t get the job I need to move on to the next great gig in the sky. I can no longer afford to work part time for table scraps, hoping something more permanent comes along. If it doesn’t, that’s all the message I need.

In other ramblings, is a bad thing if you’re a two-hit wonder but both your songs are so awesome that when you are driving and they come on, they make driving BETTER?

Thank you, Golden Earring, for just doing you.

In other change news, after the news from the meeting yesterday, my mother sent me a series of e-mails saying she had something she wanted to talk about. I decided to just call her since I got home at the stupid hour of 2 p.m. and just wasn’t ready to dig into Outlander on the Xfinity Watchathon Weekend. Yet.

Besides, I already knew what she was going to tell me. My 75-year-old mother has decided, three years after my father’s sudden death, to remarry an 88-year-old man.

Forgive me if I’m not shouting Mazel Tov! from the top of buildings. I will accept it, and try to deal with it. I don’t think my sister will, but that’s my sister, who incidentally, I haven’t spoken to in two years (by choice) but who now wants to know what I think of this development.

I’m not happy. I don’t like the man very much, and there are other extenuating factors that I don’t feel open enough to get into on a blog, though lord knows I’ve said just about everything else.

But she insists they are getting an airtight pre-nup, so I guess Kanye would approve.

As for me, I can’t pretend to know what makes my mother happy. She has not had the easiest of lives. Do I think she can be naïve? Yes, and I’ve told her so  just like I can be hypersensitive. We all have our flaws and tics, and if we can’t change them, at least we can acknowledge them.

But I don’t want to jeopardize the last years I have left with my mother over a disagreement. She is not senile. She does not have Alzheimer’s. She is not a child. For me to claim otherwise will be a lie.

All I could do was tell her I don’t agree with what she’s doing, nor do I particularly like her swain, who I find just as domineering as my father, albeit in different ways. But I will be cordial and polite towards him.

The heart wants what it wants. Mine wanted graham crackers with marshmallow fluff, so I ate that as a snack all week. It happens.

Life happens. Shit happens. The world keeps turning, and I don’t know if I’ll ever find out where I fit in to the whole shitty mess.

But I’ll keep trying.

Great gig in the sky

I have a confession to make: I am writing this at work. I have absolutely NOTHING to do today. Frankly, I don’t have much to do these days. As I’ve already mentioned, Debbie Downer has been very….let’s say withholding, since she’s been back.

And in fairness, season is running down. But I’m supposed to be learning from the other coordinators, and no one really wants to teach me. Because that would endanger THEIR job.

The only positive thing I can mention is that a sweet girl who started the same day I did, back in September, is leaving to move back home with family. Her position MAY be opening up, and I want it. And I’ll try for it, and if I don’t get it, the writing is on the wall – written in blood and tears!

I would normally be out of here by now, but Negative Nancy told me that she wanted to leave early, and the boss told her she could if I can in from noon to five, the most ridiculous hours on the fucking planet. And it kind of doesn’t make sense, since the boss is off today, the person I’m supposed to coordinate for left at noon and we all knew she would. So why am I here again? Sitting here with a raging migraine, my period and NOTHING TO DO FOR FIVE HOURS.

But wait!  I decided to upload one of my long-hibernating novels to Google Drive and work on revisions! Because I could totally self-publish now, why not? Who cares how bad or dated they might be?! Where was Google Drive ten years ago when I really needed it?!

Except….I put the first one up instead of the second one, and that was a mistake because your first novel should probably stay in that metaphysical desk drawer, I’m discovering.

When I was actively trying to write and get published in the laste 90s, early 2000s (up until 2006), I spent time in critique groups. And they DID NOT work for me. I don’t mean to disparage them, they work for some folks. And who’s to say I just wasn’t in the right ones? I really believe that was the problem. The first was with an older friend I met at a writing group, her doctor friend (who couldn’t write), and an ex-flight attendant and divorcée from Vancouver who hadn’t finished high school.

I’ll give you three guesses who has a shit ton of self-pubbed books on Amazon now. And whether they are good or bad( and they were almost unreadable back in the day), she at least DID it. What she wanted to do. And I can’t turn my nose up at that.

The second group was with a multi-published and agented author, who wrote in multiple genres, and though she was great and encouraging, I felt my writing at that time (the edgy young adult with four main characters) was not a good fit for the group.

So, in the case of my first book, a chick lit set in Atlanta, I let it be critiqued to death and it turned into a cutesy-poo piece of drivel that wasn’t “me.” And it is dated with way too many secondary characters, and that is no one’s fault but my own.

My question now is: Do I abandon the first novel (YES). Okay, I just answered my own question. But do I then work on the second (I can TRY. I didn’t make a lot of changes from the critiques).  Or do something else?

Here is my idea: I wrote a short story long ago that is actually GOOD. I am NOT embarrassed by it. I think I could definitely list that at Amazon for .99 cents.

Then, if I’m really feeling it, edit novel number two and get it out there. But if I’m not, move on to number three.

Write something completely new and different. Make it a novella, so there’s not as much worry and commitment.  Or even more short stories, which I really enjoy writing. Make it what I really want, don’t be afraid to be “too edgy” (something I used to get hammered for all the time, and now, HELLOO! Edge is IN).

Or, number four: Do something in a more essays/memoir vein, about what it’s like working in the new “gig” economy, which I’ve sadly been doing for the last eight years.

Whatever I decide, it’s my decision, and getting to that point alone is worth it.

It’s now Sunday morning, Easter Sunday, and also my beloved husband’s birthday. I hope the coming weeks will provide me with some clarity, and the ability to MOVE FORWARD where I am, or MOVE ON if that’s what I must do.

In very brief knitting news, and just to get some pictures of interest up here, this is the project I am currently working on – Thelma, from Berroco in Berroco Mixer, a tough thick and thin yarn that I had to rip back ten inches on a few weeks ago. But I’m a perfectionist, dammit!

mixer

This is the color I am using – I wanted the steel blue with gold accents, but it wasn’t available. I think this goes well with my hair.

354_thelma_lg

It is VERY baggy, and I have gone done four needle sizes to what’s recommended to get gauge. Fingers crossed!